• fallfree

O LORD, thou hast seen my wrong: judge thou my cause. Lamentations 3:59


It's been a long, cold winter, trapped in terror; turning my heart to ice, and burning my mind and body with the numbing pain of frostbite. I'm unable to feel any warmth toward anyone... except my beloved son, my ember in the dark. The man I loved held me too close, suffocating my soul and squeezing any affection I felt for him, until one day my mind and heart were crushed all at once, and I lost my world. He could be so cruel, so confusing. I blamed myself for his rage, until I could not think or feel, only shake, when I cowered down before him. My God, I wanted to die, but my son kept me hanging onto life; trying to behave in a right way even when my spirit screamed against it. Slowly my body deteriorated.

But so confusing... He was not always this way. When we married, I knew his pride, his temper, but never imagined it would be directed toward me. He loved me, and he was so kind, so romantic, so protective. He appreciated my heart, the thing I had always wished to be loved for. He was so sensitive and so vulnerable. He respected me and my opinions. We shared the same views and values. How could I not fall for him?

But then something happened. I don't know what sparked his hatred toward me, and I'm not sure he knows himself, but everything he was unhappy with was slowly laid at my feet. At first, it was a rare explosion. I accepted the guilt and resolved to do better as his help-meet and submissive wife, as my religion had taught me. I would apologize to him, knowing I had done nothing wrong, hoping he would forgive me and calm down. I lived in hope. Hope that God would use my love to change him into the good man I could see below the monster. Hope that God would help me survive the growing fear of this husband I had vowed to love forever until death do us part. But then his aggression became monthly, weekly, then daily, from micro to massive, and my mind broke and all I knew was fear, and the guilt of fear.

I know I was wrong about what it meant to love. I don't know why, or even how I was wrong. I have never had a true love or heartbreak until I met him, and now I am middle-aged, convinced I am unlovable and will never love again. Lord, let me be wrong.

May my God melt my heart and teach me to love again.



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